Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Laissez-faire

Of all the judgements that are passed on women's appearances, the one that irks une femme most is "she's really let herself go."

Perhaps because I've been on the receiving end of this accusation during times when I was really struggling (to lose weight, or dress decently on a shoestring budget, or balance a demanding job and young child with special needs), I'm a bit sensitive when it comes to those words.
Perhaps it's because of the moralizing subtext indicating that sins of gluttony and sloth are made manifest. Perhaps it's because of the erroneous belief that all aspects of our appearance are ultimately within our control.
But truly, I have yet to meet the woman who has truly "let herself go," this mythical creature who just decides one day that she just doesn't give a fig anymore about her appearance, about the state of her home, about her work, and suddenly is perfectly content to sit on the sofa all day eating bonbons. If you scratch the surface of someone who used to dress to the nines but now is seen shlepping about in sweats and greasy hair, I'll bet you find someone whose life has taken a turn that has her feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Perhaps it's illness, job loss, depression, or sudden demands such as care taking for a sick family member. Perhaps we should ask how things are going for her, rather than assume she doesn't care anymore.
And I've also heard those "letting herself go" assessments levied against women whose only transgressions are showing some natural signs of ageing. Weight gain, wrinkles, softening jawlines, greying hair...the balance between a willingness to invest time and money to hold back the visible manifestations of passing years and a desire to just enjoy and experience whatever finite amount of time we've been granted is one we continuously negotiate. None of us will retain our youthful beauty forever; we each have to decide what level of effort put toward our appearance enhances or diminishes our lives.
Personally, I can't imagine the day that I won't want to dress well, but I can hope to achieve a level of acceptance where a few extra pounds no longer drive me to distraction, and a few more wrinkles don't make a dent in my self-esteem, and nothing stops me from living life to the fullest.
So can we retire this outdated expression?
~
Posted by at 5:00 AM
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43 comments:

  1. While I firmly believe that it is a woman’s responsibility to herself to keep well groomed and well turned, I also LOATHE this phrase. Because, as you point out, sometimes other life events eclipse that responsibility and we simply cannot invest our limited energy in matters of appearance. And there is absolutely nothing shameful about that.

    I’ve been mulling a post on this phrase for ages, but I think you’ve said what I wanted to say far better than I could’ve, beautiful.
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  2. Not only do I agree, I will admit to sometimes wishing I was a man (as much as I enjoy being a woman) for the reasons that men are allowed much more of a free pass on their appearance, can gain weight, age, etc. And while they have come under more scrutiny over the past few years (see Metrosexual, etc.) they still have a much simpler list of things to worry about appearance wise.

    Le Sigh.

    Special (Google is still acting weird and not accepting my password)
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  3. Hear, hear! A spiteful cousin of the equally nasty "looks good... for her age".

    I hear in the expression a manifestation of the bitter competitiveness women can have when they accept a certain mind set that seems to includes the principle "If you lose beauty, I gain it."

    I *have* "let myself go", if that phrase means refusing somp popular strategies to maintain a more youthful facade. I peacefully weigh 25 lbs more than when a young adult, have lines unsoftened by shooting toxins into the muscles near my eyes and refuse to suffer binding 'control' undies.
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  4. Very beautifully said.

    -raed
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  5. I just saw some photos that were taken of me recently. My hair was in need of a color, and I know that I've gained weight too. So of course they were not the most flattering photos.

    I was thinking that I needed to really make more effort to keep myself looking better. But then I read your post. Thank you!

    I am struggling with keeping a demanding job and household, while managing the added intensity of chemo treatments for my 3 year old who was diagnosed with leukemia this past summer.

    Um. Yeah, I'm not at my best. I have other priorities right now, and I'll get everything back in order at some point. While it bothers me, I'm trying to be kind enough to myself to not be really hard on myself. Sometimes it needs to be okay.
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  6. Great post, Pseu. I have often wondered, with admiration, how some of my older friends got to the point where they felt comfortable with grey hair, relaxed figures, and their own skin, make-up free. There's quite a bit of liberation, I expect, in "letting go" -- and is it letting oneself go or letting go of others' expectations? Clearly, there's a balance, as Sal suggests, but it's sad that those who are unable or unwilling to maintain cultural standards of upkeep should be dismissed with such disdain ... While I agree with Duchesse's explanation, I also wonder if there's something threatening about someone who points, through her appearance, to other priorities.
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  7. Everyone goes through bad periods...but we all know people who are a wreck for 20 years with no particular excuse, do we not? Or maybe I just hang out with an ungroomed crowd...
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  8. What a beautiful post.I agree that there is always something deeper going on whenever a woman doesn't look as good as she could and it's also true that sometimes we are trying to look better but for some reason we are not there just yet.
    The last part of this post reminded me of Katherine Hepburn who looked wonderful with her white hair an wrinkles.
    I believe that there is a time when we find our balance between trying and just being ourselves.
    Thank you for the wonderful post.
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  9. I don't think this ugly phrase will be retired anytime soon. As long as our media shows Boomers with baby blond hair and mid face lifts, women who age appropriately and with grace will be portrayed as losers. Another reason to emulate French women of any age.

    (I've enjoyed your delightful blog so very much. Thank you!)
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  10. Great post.
    Recently, I have been berating myself over the fact that I have let myself go by gaining 20 pounds in the last couple of years, the most part due to the fact that I spend some 10 to 12 hours sitting behind a computer. This is what I get for running an internet business and writing a blog.

    When you are female and single in Los Angeles, weight gain is the kiss of death.

    But after worrying non stop about being attractive from the age of about 10 years old on, at this age I'd like to spend time concentrating on what I need to accomplish in my business and my personal life rather than worrying about what I look like.

    Still, with none of my clothes fitting, I need to pay more attention to my looks or buy a new wardrobe. So the cost effective thing to do will be blog less, work out more.
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  11. Well, if having gray hair means letting yourself go, then I've been long gone for years :) and I have to admit I've enjoyed the smug satisfaction of knowing I'm not in lock-step with the current mantra about how I should try to look 10 years younger. I'm not buying it. I agree with Duchesse,,, just say no to botox and control tops! Life is too short to worry about a little wrinkle here and a little wiggle there.
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  12. Great post! I especially hate that this phrase seems only to apply to females. The other one I can't stand is saying a woman has 'hit the wall' -- let's get rid of that one too.
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  13. A very good post. There is not much else to add to what everyone else has already said. Bravo!
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  15. My chere D.P.,

    This was one of your all-time greats.

    It definitely speaks to all of us.

    Tishx
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  16. Excellent post Pseu. I'm one of those women who found herself in late mid-life giving birth to a child with special needs. A complete re-framing of my life resulted from this and I am now free of caring (much) about what others think of me. I enjoy keeping up my appearances and my wardrobe for myself alone but my body shape and size makes staying slim incredibly difficult, so that's gone by the wayside somewhat. I focus more on pleasing myself and much less on keeping up with someone else's ideals. That's what I call "letting myself go."
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  19. Sal - thanks! While I don't know if I'd use the term "responsibility," I do concur that making an effort to look presentable is a sign of respect for those around us.

    Special - isn't that the truth? I think it's changing a little bit, but I don't think men will ever have the same pressure to maintain a youthful appearance that women do.
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  20. Duchesse - I'm with you on the injectables and body shapers. If I can't be comfortable, it's just not worth it.

    raed - thank you!

    spacegeek - oh, I'm so sorry to hear your little one is going through this. I'm sending my thoughts and prayers your way. And yes, in those circumstances, hair color and the rest take a back seat.
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  21. materfamilias - there's something vaguely transgressive (and hence threatening) about those who don't bow to cultural dictates about appearances. I think that all of these factors play a part (the competitiveness, the uneasiness with those who seem to "get away with"--by being comfortable with their appearance--not acquiescing to beauty standards) in trying to diminish women who stray from the herd, so to speak.
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  22. WendyB - sure, but with people like that I generally assume that looking a certain way is just not a priority. Which is fine, if it's a conscious choice.

    nurmisur - thanks so much. I love what you said about the balance between trying and just being ourselves.

    Leaking Moonlight - I'm so glad you enjoy the blog. Yes, French women do seem more comfortable with appearing their age.
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  23. It's a very negative phrase. Why should we all be in total control all the time? I believe there is only so much I can achieve in the time I have each day, so my house is not the cleanest on the street, but I spend some time with my kids and running a business.
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  24. Belle - what? you look fabulous! It's my own personal belief that men who are comfortable with themselves and confident are attracted to women who are the same. If you want to spend more time at the gym because you'll feel better, go for it, but don't beat yourself up if your work is top priority right now.

    Lisa - true, life is short. I think your grey hair looks fabulous, BTW, and am quite envious.

    Audi - thanks! I've only heard "hit the wall" used in the context of distance runners or too many work projects coming due at once.
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  25. metscan - thank you!

    that's not my age - thanks! I think your Meryl Streep quotes today are apropos of this topic!

    tishjett - merci beaucoup!
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  26. LaurieAnn - it sounds as though you've achieved a balance that works for where you are right now...bravo!!

    Harriet and LPC - thanks!

    Imogen - exactly! We can't be all things, all at once; we can pick and choose to spend our time with what sustains us.
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  28. Odd, isn't it? Letting oneself go sounds like it should be all about emancipation and yet it's a negative term. Maybe that's why - the idea of letting go of expectations/standards is a little threatening to the status quo?
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  29. yes!!!beautifully put.
    i also agree with materfamilias in that women may feel threatened by someone who apparently doesn't care about her appearance by not following others expectations.
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  30. Botox and overuse of makeup, overly-done hair etc are seen as very tacky in France, but Frenchwomen catch hell about weight gain, at least in fashionable circles. There is very nasty stuff in the media and gossipy boards these days about the beautiful film and theatre star Isabelle Adjani for putting on quite a few kg in comparison to the lithe body of her youth (she is 54 years old). Grrrr.

    Spacegeek, I do hope your child will fully recover. Thinking of all of you.
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  31. I have come back to this post several times without leaving a comment. Maybe it hits too close to home for me. I let myself go when I had my kids. I kind of thought being a stay at home Mom meant sacrifice. I wasn't bringing in any money to the household, therefore I was petrified to spend.

    I hadn't gone to a hairdresser in years. No make up. I dressed really frumpy. Or in baggy clothes. My thinking was that Mom's were not supposed to be sexual anymore. We're supposed to be more like Madonnas instead (not the singer)

    So while I did bathe, I was plain by choice. And I could hear that "phrase too"

    Very good thought provoking post!
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  32. Absolutely, "Une" - couldn't agree more - such a wonderful post...

    p.s. - my word verification is "Pinot" !?!
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  34. Ukranian-Canadian singer Luba was born in 1958, so she just makes it into over-50 now, but her great hit song "Let It Go" which became an anthem for feminists, gay people and others breaking out of strictures, came out in 1984 when she was considerably younger.

    Let it Go - Luba

    Too many doubts
    too much fear
    too much danger
    when society constructs
    our human nature
    live by the rules
    live by the laws
    live by commandments
    notions preconceived
    can lead to utter madness

    Let it go
    Let it go
    Let it free your body
    Let it move your soul
    Let it go
    We are made
    we are not born
    Let it go
    Let it free your body
    Let it move your soul
    Let it go
    We are made
    We are not born

    Learn to convert
    learn to assert
    learn to abandon
    ideologies and
    disciplines at random
    lay down the laws
    lay down the rules
    lay down commandments
    lift the sanctions
    that restrict this
    woman's madness

    Let it go
    Let it go
    Let it free your body
    Let it move your soul
    Let it go
    We are made
    we are not born
    Let it go
    Let it free your body
    Let it move your soul
    Let it go
    We are made
    We are not born

    uniformity
    conventionality
    is the bane of our existence
    keep it safely at a distance
    nonconformity
    unconventionality
    is the fate to be
    let your hair down
    can't you see?

    Let it go
    Let it go
    Let it free your body
    Let it move your soul
    Let it go
    We are made
    we are not born
    Let it go
    Let it free your body
    Let it move your soul
    Let it go
    We are made
    We are not born
    Woman is made
    She is not born

    Let it go
    let it free your head and symbolize your soul

    Some of you will no doubt recognise the paraphrase of Simone de Beauvoir's "On ne naît pas femme, on le devient".

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK3L6ccMQ4U
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  35. i let myself go. no big problem.
    people tend to let it go once it's somehow "too late" all of a sudden.
    they don't sit down and say it's ok to get fat, but they don't sit down and think about how to stay healthy, how to eat mindfully... they just let go.
    it's a bit different story with special kinds of diseases, pregnancy and aging, but all in all... such a true saying.
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  36. Gads, Pseu, you're a genius. Happy Hanukkah!
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  37. Marieanne - thank you!

    Tiffany - I think you're right.

    neki desu - thank you, and yes, there does seem to be discomfort generally with those who seem to rebel against the status quo.
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  38. lagatta - that's true that French women are under tremendous pressure to maintain their mince figures. Great lyrics! I'm going to search out that song and have a listen.

    Anoninoz - thanks! (We've actually been enjoying a nice bottle of Pinot Noir this week, one of our "wines of the month.")

    Sher - thanks! It seems that there are certain life passages that really mess with our identities, at least for a while. You've certainly found a great balance, it seems. I think we get into trouble when we let others (or what we've been taught) to define who we should be. Easy to say, hard to live by sometimes!
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  39. anna - I'm not quite clear on your comment...are you saying that in your experience "letting herself go" is an accurate expression?

    dana - you are too kind - Happy Hanukkah to you too!!
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  40. pseu, I left the YouTube link for a videoclip of this song - if that does not work you can just google "Let it go" "Luba" and you'll find lots of links.

    anna, most people in the world do not "sit down and think about how to stay healthy, how to eat mindfully"... Supposing that they must would logically mean only a cultural and intellectual elite could escape the obesity epidemic - when there are actually powerful market and urban planning forces at play in this plague.

    And more money still to be made with slimming aids!
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  41. i long for the day when it's socially acceptable for everyone to wear bags over their entire bodies so that we judge each other only on the true content of character we discover. i long to be so self-actualised and at peace that my self-esteem isn't completely tied up within my appearance, but that wasn't the world or the life i was born into. so i continually try to attain the unattainable through any way possible, which infringes on my personality and state-of-mind, the one thing i should actually have control over. then it's a continuous cycle of hating what i'll never be. i wish we could all let ourselves go.

    i think if society evolved far enough so that we could all let ourselves go and still be happy in ourselves, then our minds would actually be able to understand what we'd have to do to end world hunger and make poverty history and all those wonderful things instead of spending so much time on piece of shit thoughts that make me feel shit about myself like 'why did i get grey hairs at eighteen'. bleh.

    more power to you.
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  42. "let herself go" has come to mean, "Has not had work,shame on her!"

    I think dressing well says the most about taking care of oneself at a certain age--yes our skin sags, it wrinkles and we get plush, but dressing well shows we've still got it and are still caring about our appearance. We can always dress well. Even my grandma at 105 was dressed up each day with her jewelry and shawls. She wore lipstick until the day she died and she always looked radiant to me.She never "let herself go."
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  43. Just read this post today...remember who Prince Charles ended up choosing over whom. Something to be said for the inner woman and how she enriches or detracts from other people's lives!
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