This has nothing to do with today's topic, just loved the image. From here.
This is another of my rambling, navel-gazing ruminations, so if that's not your tasse d'espresso, feel free to skip. I'll have some pretty things to show you tomorrow.
Many years ago, I read somewhere that our culture often confuses Satisfaction and Gratification. Satisfaction is that pleasure we get from accomplishment: from finishing a project or achieving a goal through our own efforts. Gratification is immediate reward: a new pair of shoes, the taste of a creme brulée on the tongue, a compliment from someone who matters. We need a balance between the two in our lives, and one can't fill the place of the other. If we seek gratification when what we're really missing is satisfaction, it doesn't scratch that itch, at least not for long, and we keep buying, eating, consuming in search of satisfaction. (And we're bombarded by advertising in support of this tail-chasing consumption.) Likewise, if we don't allow ourselves immediate pleasures, we can become achieveaholics, chasing happiness by racking up trophies or promotions or balances in bank accounts.
Last week when La Belette Rouge wrote about her recent weight loss and recounted the thought processes that led up to her decision to make some changes, a couple of passages really resonated with me. First, "I simmered in a bitter stew of self-loathing, shame and inaction," hit me like a brick. I've been dancing around this feeling for years, acknowledging it only occasionally, and trying to talk myself into being OK with my body at its current higher weight.
And tying into that, her words, "I am incredibly permissive with myself around food," really brought home that I've been using gratification (food, shopping) in an attempt to smooth over the dissatisfaction I feel about my body. There's a thing that dieters and people with eating disorders do, something I've seen referred to as "eating around." We deny ourselves the "forbidden" food we're really craving, then eat around our sense of deprivation with other foods that don't satisfy, often winding up eating more calories than we would have, had we just allowed ourselves the desired morsel. I've been eating around (and shopping around) the issue of weight, and the feelings of deprivation stemming from not being able to wear a lot of clothing styles that I love. While I understand that I'll never have a willowy frame, I also know that I feel too heavy in my body right now, I'm tired of dressing to camouflage everything between neck and knees, and I can no longer pretend that it isn't really, really bothering me.