Taxonomy

We’ve recently classified two unique and particularly noxious varieties of species Touristus americanus. In close proximity, (e.g. next dinner table) encounters with these two subgroups will result in premature departure (e.g. before dessert and espresso).

The first variety of T. americanus is youngi east coastus self-importantus. They can be identified by their distinctive calls: name-dropping of desirable geographical locations (e.g. “they invited us to their wedding in Monte Carlo, but I just didn’t know them that well,” “…her place is in the East Hamptons, but the good part”) and a continual vapid patter about “art” and how fat people are in the midwest (e.g. “I mean, I had to take a picture!”). Unfortunately the author cannot describe their plumage, as I was doing my best not to give them the attention they apparently craved.

The second variety has been given the name loudus steroidus maximus, and is considered particularly deadly toward a pleasant ambiance. This group’s call includes, but may not be limited to, a frequent use of “Dude!” and throaty recounting of drunken exploits (e.g. “dude, he still had a beer in each hand when the bouncers threw him out!”) or details of particular football contests. Their calls increase notably in volume in proportion to bottles of wine consumed. Their pack leader may or may not be addressed by the other members as “Big Daddy.”

Both subgroups should be avoided when four or more individuals are clustered together, lest an otherwise perfect dinner be ruined.

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32 Comments

  1. Oh Pseu that made me laugh!! As Brits my OH and I spend our time abroad trying our hardest NOT to look like Brits!!! When in Spain a few years ago we were delighted to be thought of as Norweigians!

  2. Oh, that is hilarious! Sadly, we have some very embarrassing Australian tourist types also, some of whom Spouse & I encountered while in transit at LAX. I must describe them some time …

  3. Great one! Great way to point out some of our less desirables in an entertaining way. Me thinks those species exist in many other nationalities too.

  4. LOL, but its so annoying. Maybe people from other countries are just as irritating, but I don’t understand what they are saying so I can tune them out . I also think that many restaurants group Amecians together so we annoy each other and not the locals. How is your knee? I did that on a trip and it cut down on my museum time.

  5. It is something I’ve noticed since living in England: Americans tend to be loud. I’m guessing it’s because they (we) are accustomed to having much more personal space. Whatever the reason, it’s not very pleasant to be around. Sadly, no one seems to tell them to lower their voice. Probably something like telling someone they have BO: hard to do. Sad, really.

  6. This made me laugh so hard! It’s true. We noticed when we lived in England we were most comfortable when we were further from other Americans since so many of them fit into those 2 categories (and a plethora of others). Sadly, it can indeed ruin a perfectly good meal.

  7. These are not just tourist types, you can find them anywhere! I find that shopping nowadays isn’t as much fun as it used to be, thanks to the self-important idiots talking non-stop in a LOUD voice while they wander around the store. I do think Americans are louder generally. Years ago, there was a toy that attached to a kid’s bike and made a loud “tiger” sound when the bike was ridden. It was enormously popular here, flopped in Europe, parents didn’t want their kids disturbing others.

  8. It’s not only americans who can be annoying abroad. At a small hotel my former husband and I were staying at a fellow Canadian insisted loudly to the bartender that the only way to drink scotch was with ice cubes!! Yes, go to the home of the experts and tell them their not doing it right.

  9. I live in the Deep South of the USA. I have Yankees living on either side of me and always know when they are outside. They seem to think everyone wants to hear what they have to say. Whenever we are in a restaurant or store and hear loud talkers we know there are Yankees around.

  10. I read a blog called “The Bitchy Waiter” and he tells anecdotes of these types all the time. He’s in NYC so he gets all kinds.

    I’m an LA girl, born & raised, but we moved away a long time ago to escape the snooty, the flashy & the ugly self-important.

  11. I’d be sorry your dinner was interrupted by this rudeness if I weren’t so entertained by your resulting analysis — too funny!
    At least you’re out there being an ambassador for some of us slightly-more-couth N. Americans . . .

  12. Warning: swallow before reading this post.

    Funny!

    So sad but true. In my experience loudus steoidus maximus are usually wearing ugly T-shirts.

  13. At least you can hope that the restaurant staff and other guests got another view of Americans from your and your husband. Think of it as doing your bit for Italo-American relations!

  14. True story: A few years ago a friend and I arrived in Venice to spend a few days. That first night we looked for a place to eat and settled on a little restaurant with outdoor tables. Well, the waiter was in a snit–two middle-aged Americans! We looked over the menu and I ordered a half bottle of Barolo and my friend a half of Pino Grigio. Thereafter the waiter was our best friend and groveled throughout the dinner.

    Moral: When in Italy order Italian wines. I don’t know if this is true for the rest of the world.

  15. Pseu: There’s a particular swell of nausea when seeing ones’ own compatriots behave boorishly.

    Tracy: I AM Canadian, Tracy! We are stereotyped as being so mild that we’ll put up with bad service and inflated prices. The joke goes “What did the Canadian say in Times Square?” “Excuse me, sir, could you give me directions or should I just go f— myself?”

  16. you’ve just perfectly explained why I’d tell people I was Canadian except that it’s hard to carry that off with a Southern accent…

  17. Absolutely a perfect study of some subspecies of Americans on tour. My son recently went to Italy with his school and as we always do when we travel, wear a Canadian flag pin. We are Canadians who live in the US. My son actually brought extra pins to hand out to the Italians as gifts, but many of his fellow travellers asked to be allowed to use them. They wanted to be treated as Canadians, which had they seemed to make the Italians nicer, lol.

  18. I’m sorry, but there are self absorbed rude people from every country in the world. Americans get pinpointed for this because English is widely spoken, and thus overheard, because Americans have been fortunate enough to have spare income to travel and because it is acceptable to poke fun at them.
    As someone who has travelled all over the world, I’ve found Americans to be the most helpful and polite tourists with a please and thank you always offered along with a helping hand. Try lifting a heavy bag into an overhead luggage compartment and see what nationality the person is who assists you. He’ll be American!

  19. I agree- sorry you were subjected to these monsters, but glad it resulted in this hilarious, yet true post.

    It does make me sad if one of the commenters is right (and i suspect she is) about seating Americans together in restaurants. I don’t see how it’s going to get better when our culture is “all about me” these days. All that we can do is prove to be much better guests when abroad.