Friday, May 27, 2011
The first variety of T. americanus is youngi east coastus self-importantus. They can be identified by their distinctive calls: name-dropping of desirable geographical locations (e.g. "they invited us to their wedding in Monte Carlo, but I just didn't know them that well," "...her place is in the East Hamptons, but the good part") and a continual vapid patter about "art" and how fat people are in the midwest (e.g. "I mean, I had to take a picture!"). Unfortunately the author cannot describe their plumage, as I was doing my best not to give them the attention they apparently craved.
The second variety has been given the name loudus steroidus maximus, and is considered particularly deadly toward a pleasant ambiance. This group's call includes, but may not be limited to, a frequent use of "Dude!" and throaty recounting of drunken exploits (e.g. "dude, he still had a beer in each hand when the bouncers threw him out!") or details of particular football contests. Their calls increase notably in volume in proportion to bottles of wine consumed. Their pack leader may or may not be addressed by the other members as "Big Daddy."
Both subgroups should be avoided when four or more individuals are clustered together, lest an otherwise perfect dinner be ruined.