Near Misses

Stay classy, ladies!

We found out while on our way home that we’d dodged a bullet in Florence: just a few days after we left, the cast and crew of the reality show “Jersey Shore” had shown up (in a big way) for a few weeks of shooting for the next season.  Pre-scripted drinking, brawling and scrapes with the police were the order of the day.

I know for some it’s a guilty (or not) pleasure, but I’ve never been able to watch most reality TV shows, other than the HGTV yard makeover type, for more than a few minutes before I start to squirm with discomfort and empathetic embarrassment and have to change the channel. I seem to be in the minority; there’s a substantial audience out there who just can’t get enough of flamboyant people behaving badly (or at least with a level of drama out of all proportion to the situation). I have to wonder about young women today who have grown up consuming this kind of programming which may have the effect of normalizing what once was considered outrageous behavior (and not just on the part of women, men too). Andy Warhol, it seems, was right, and I wonder about these shifting norms as people continue to up the ante just to be noticed. Sometimes it seems that a toddler-like mindset of saying, grabbing or doing whatever we want in the moment is not only exhibited, but endorsed in entertainment media and spills over into our culture in general.

But, without alleging any sort of carefully crafted conspiracy between media and advertisers, I think one effect of the conditioning on our brains to escalating stimuli is that we begin to crave more new and shiny things, more excitement, and this dovetails with an increasingly materialistic yet throw-away consumer culture. We want more, brighter, bigger, the next new thing, and we want it NOW. We’re a population of instant gratification junkies. And a plethora of options for cheap, trendy, disposable clothing have sprung up to cater to this mentality.

I’m not immune to this pull either. Long time readers of this blog may recall that I’ve declared my intention many times to quit buying “junk food clothing” and upgrade my wardrobe with fewer, but better quality pieces. This hasn’t been easy. I’ve realized to what extent my buying habits are fueled not only by the high of something new and shiny, but also by fear of deprivation. “I’ll never find another pair of jeans that fit.” “I’d better buy a backup in case this one wears out and I can’t find another like it.” It’s fun, but it’s also reassuring to buy the same cardigan in three different colors. (OK, so maybe it’s just a question of degree between me and the folks on “Hoarders”…)

Training myself out of the habit of over-consumption and overriding the magpie part of my brain has required constant vigilance, and application of the “do I love it?” and “does it add the the quality of my life?” criteria to any potential wardrobe purchase. It’s harder to hold out for those few things that meet the higher standards, but slowly, the mindset does seem to be taking hold. Lately I’ve found myself walking away from Near Misses far more often than making regretted purchases. (You wondered where I was going with this, didn’t you?)  And while there’s some disappointment each time I don’t skip out of the store with buyer’s high, the feeling of satisfaction of sticking to my guns outweighs the gratification of something new.

Intentions are good, but changing beliefs and behaviors takes practice, and yes, discipline, a word that sometimes seems old-fashioned in our world of instant fame and instant gratification. Discipline isn’t flashy and sometimes isn’t fun. But while intentions may be the fuel, discipline is the engine that takes us where we want to go.

Have you made a decision to change your consumption habits? How is it going? What strategies are working for you?
~

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37 Comments

  1. While I agree that one should consume only what one needs and choose quality over disposable items, there is a scenario that is often left out of these discussions and I think it is important for people to understand.

    If one grows up wearing unflattering, outdated thrift store clothes and lives in an economic situation where Wal-Mart clothing is viewed as a luxury, then once one is in a position to choose one’s own clothing and afford new items, the resulting avid consuming may be the result of years of delayed gratification. If one has waited a decade or more for a desired item, it is difficult to wait even longer for high quality when what one wants is easily available. Why would one choose to feel frumpy for another few years while saving for quality items if new, albeit poor quality, clothing can be purchased now?

    Of course, one should always be a good steward of the available resources, but it helps promote empathy to keep in mind that what might look like undisciplined consumerism is actually the result of years of waiting.

  2. Coffeeaddict and Jane have the right idea, it helps to avoid exposure to junk culture. I moved to a smaller house a couple years ago, so was forced to get rid of a lot of excess stuff, especially clothing. I’ve discovered I can easily live with much less. But Nethwen mention the deprivation factor, and I think those who weren’t able to experiment and get the latest fads probably need to do that at some point before they settle into their personal style.

  3. I oscillate, but generally I’ve been managing to move closer to my goal of buying better — and less.
    I have long thought that part of the trick is finding other ways to fill the space that retail aims at — being creative, whether through writing, kniting, cooking, photography, gardening, sewing — many of these activities, admittedly, require some expenditure, but at least they’re not so “instant.” And the focus on process rather than (or at least as much as) product is curative, I believe, fills up those empty spots in ways that retail therapy never can.

  4. During the years our children were growing up, I never thought much about my own clothing. I had essentials, but often found myself without what I need for one occasion or another. Sometimes I would skip going somewhere rather than buy appropriate clothing. I didn’t have time to shop or money to spend.

    Now, I am paying attention and buying quality things-sometimes too many of them. And then there are my weight fluctuations–the bane of my wardrobe.

    I do applaud a pared down wardrobe and plan to move that direction. I’m not there yet–but I am buying quality. I guess that counts for something.

  5. Jane and Lance Hattatt – thank you! You’re right that even if one avoids TV, one is never totally spared from the influences of popular culture and advertising.

    Nethwen – I understand that mindset, totally. Each of us must decide for ourselves what constitutes “over-consuming.” For some, a closet brimming with options makes their heart sing. I think the important thing is to be conscious about our habits, and be able to evaluate (and re-evaluate) whether they’re working for us or not.

  6. Frugal Scholar – oh my, I’ll bet that was quite the circus. As a friend of mine once said “moving is a true test of how attached you are to your stuff.”

    coffeeaddict – I understand that everyone enjoys different forms of entertainment, but the reality programming just holds little appeal for me. (In the early 80’s I was living with an academic, and he and his grad school chums would gather weekly to watch “Dallas” and loved it.) I do sometimes enjoy perusing fashion magazines, but they don’t have the pull on me they used to.

    Rita – I agree that often we need to experiment before we settle on a style. I went through this too once discount clothing stores became prevalent in the 80’s.

  7. materfamilias – yes! Gardening, reading, listening to music all help fill that void for me too. And writing, especially writing. I’m trying to read more classics and challenging works to counterract the quick-change messaging my brain has become so accustomed to.

    RoseAG – so very true! Just setting a budget in general will help focus that “is it worth it” beam.

  8. Susan – I think many women our age went through a period of focusing on the kids, and so now are re-evaluating their own style and wardrobe. If pared down is what you’re after, then yes, quality will be important. But it’s important to enjoy the process too!

  9. You echoed my sentiments exactly! I love the high of a new “stylish” a.k.a. trendy new item in my wardrobe, but the problem is that the feeling is so short-lived. I am struggling with the discipline concept, but you are so right about the satisfaction that comes from sticking to one’s intents. Today I had a victory, my favorite store (WHBM) had a sale cardigan, my weakness, for $29.99 and I DID NOT BUY! Thank you so much for your thoughtful posts as I read your blog daily.

  10. Your thoughtful post has made me realize that I get as much pleasure from walking away from bad purchases as I do from making good ones. So that’s the strategy. Relish one’s good sense to turn things down. Enjoy that feeling of, “I don’t need this!”

  11. I completely agree that walking away from near misses is a great pleasure — a sigh of relief. “Do I love this?” is a question I ask about all my purchases, for the wardrobe, home, travel. Even if I were rich! I would still have to love it : >

  12. When I had very little income, whatever I bought was precious to me and I agonized over each purchase. A few years ago, though, when life was good and I could spend anything I wanted, I binged a little on shoes and clothes. I have several things I never wore, or had duplicates of (3 pairs red sandals!) and I can sometimes be a collector too, so multiple purchases of Mexican silver jewelry or bakelite pins.

    But now, I am far less acquisitive – I am a little disgusted by my earlier binge.

    I also find that when I travel, since I’ve started carrying my cameras, I’m less likely to want to BUY something in order to “possess” an experience – I can possess it with my images.

    (Have never watched “Jersey Shore”, but I actually went one year of high school in the part of the NJ shore where the show is filmed. I don’t think I could bear it!)

  13. Hello:
    You raise some very pertinent and powerful points here which we certainly endorse.

    As we have not had a television for over 30 years, we mercifully miss out on so much that is in our opinion poor quality programming, and an absorption in worlds of the famous, the not so famous, the would be famous etc etc. However, the media circus is so very powerful that other channels than TV ones are employed to fuel consumerism in its widest sense so we are never totally spared.

    We fully support the ethos of buying what one really needs and restricting one’s clothes purchases to classic pieces that work well together and can last more than a season. And yes, this does take discipline but also requires one to really look at what is out there and consider one’s choices. Whether this be the Arts in general, clothes, gardens, books, films or furniture it is good, we feel, to be discriminating rather than all consuming.

    Your phrase, “while intentions may be the fuel, discipline is the engine that takes us where we want to go” is brilliant. Just brilliant!

  14. My daughter saw the filming in Florence!

    It seems that many of us are going through a change in consumption habits these days. Travel is often a motivation. We repainted our living room. We don’t want to put everything back in. Too much!

  15. I couldn’t agree more. I can’t understand the appeal these reality shows have on people. And not just common folk, but educated, intellectual crowd as well (not trying to offend anyone here!) I can’t remember how many times I sat down with my friends or colleagues from law school whom I’ve all considered to be sensible people only to have the conversation drift towards OMG I can’t believe what happened on Big Brother last night…
    I haven’t owned a TV set for 6 years now and I don’t miss it at all. I check the news on the Internet, buy/rent/download all the movies I wish to see. I’ve also stopped buying fashion, lifestyle magazines that did nothing else but encourage me to spend more money on the latest trends. As you said constant vigilance is required to prevent us from falling back into the old routine. I still occasionally fall off the wagon but those instances have gotten fewer and far between.

  16. You can’t under-estimate the power of a shrinking budget to help you cast a critical eye on potential purchases and ask the question – is this worth it?

  17. Like your first commenter, we’ve had no TV for 30+ years. TV supports a culture of infantilization: we are told what to do, think, care about. Yes, some of it is satisfying entertainment, so we rent The Wire, etc.

    The same with constant consuming, we are like junkies craving the next hit. That Express Wardrobe Challenge I did (and you joined) got me over it- that and a move to a much smaller home.

    Still get panicky that there will not be any clothes I like out there for me, as many women who are my size (14-16) feel. But I no longer buy them for that reason.

  18. This post really resonates with me.
    I read it early this morning and then thought about how I have come to this point in my approach too.

    I think it is something that older women of a certain age comes to terms with…we realize that happiness is not another pair of shoes or the latest It bag.

    We desire quality not quantity and more often than not well designed garments in great fabrics do cost more so we buy fewer and look better!

    For that bright and shiny appetite I buy accessories…and often at thrift shops.

    My Eileen Fisher pieces are probably the workhorses in my wardrobe.

    I leave empty handed more frequently these days but I don’t feel unhappy about it anymore.

    I did watch Housewives of Beverly Hills and sat riveted…are they real women? Is it scripted? I was stunned!

  19. Thank you for this very thought provoking post. For me it is about balance. For most of my adult life I was way too serious and practical about my appearance. Shopping and dressing were all practicality and calculation. No room for spontaneity. Now, I am working on being more lighthearted about it. While I still choose wisely when purchasing what I consider the foundation pieces, I have come to love adding those “disposable” pieces to my closet. For me it is just about fun and whimsy. Little dashes of sparkle and silliness. And when I wear those pieces, I can honestly say that they make me smile because I purchased them for the sheer joy of them.

  20. Lowering consumption seems to be a theme running through a number of blogs today.

    I’ve worked in advertising 30+ yrs and, trust me, you do not have to shy away from claiming advertisers fuel consumption through immediate gratification. It’s all marketing.

    I was raised as a fiscal conservative by a generations down Yankee. I now live in New England even though I was born & raised in SoCal and I know why Yankees are called “frugal”. It’s in their blood.

    That being said, I love clothes, shoes & handbags. Shoes first, then handbags, then clothes. I always have. I just happen to have an inherited sense of when to quit.

    I’ve learned not to overshop for food any longer. I now shop almost daily for the meal I’ll make in the evening. This results in my making something we really want with the right ingredients and not buying perishables “just in case”. That’s a terrible waste of money.

  21. Anonymous@9:20am – thank you, and I’m so glad this was helpful. Good for you for staying true to your intentions.

    LPC – yes! It’s a good thing to cultivate that sense of satisfaction from passing on those items that we know deep down aren’t right.

    Patti@NotDeadYet – so true! What’s the point of accumulating things we don’t love?

    Reflections and a Latte – you make an excellent point; it IS about balance. Sometimes a bit of fun and whimsy is just what we need.

    California Girl – my dad was a classic frugal Yankee, but my mother was more of a spendthrift. I need to channel more of my father’s tendencies! Not overspending on food is a great goal. Unless one does some serious meal planning and cooking, buying food in smaller amounts is the more frugal (and less wasteful) option!

  22. Aunt Snow – my financial/spending history sounds very similar to yours. I love your idea about taking pictures as the way to possess an experience!

    Tiffany – it’s sometimes really hard to hold out for better when it feels as though supplies are limited! But I’m glad you didn’t buy the sweaters that weren’t right. And yes, I think people have learned so shop to alleviate boredom rather than read or partake in a hobby.

    Terri – that sounds like a good direction!

  23. Duchesse – yes, the Express Wardrobe Challenge really brought home the advantages of a carefully selected, smaller wardrobe. Changing the *habits* has been the tougher part even though I was sold on the idea.

    hostess – I think you’re right that this is in part of function of age and experience. Accessories are certainly a much better place to indulge whims and experiment, but I’m even trying to be more scrupulous there too. It does feel good to leave empty handed when nothing has really enchanted us. I find those Real Housewives shows just *scary*. Are there really people like that??? (I’m sure that at least the “developments” and some scenarios are scripted, as they need to get advance permission to shoot in some locations, and releases from anyone who may appear on camera.)

  24. There’s a saying “You can never get enough of what you don’t really want.” Or less enigmatically, when you settle for less than exactly what you want, you always want more because you haven’t really filled the the hole inside you. That applies to just about every addiction going. It’s always a substitution for an unacknowledged need that hasn’t been met, and the substitution will never satisfy the hunger you are trying to feed. I think this applies to love, self-acceptance, and (yes), clothes.Trying to make yourself happy with cheap new clothes, is like expecting a one night stand to heal a broken heart.

  25. Katriona – I think you’ve nailed it there. It reminds me of the idea of “eating around” the food you actually want, and you usually end up eating/buying far more than that scoop of gelato or whatever. When we meet the *real* need…satisfaction!

  26. I also don’t ‘get’ reality TV, and certainly don’t watch it. I don’t think I consume a great deal, but I am very conscious. Our house is tiny, so keeping it clutter-free means not buying superfluous stuff, and the same goes for my wardrobe. What I am guilty of, however, is buying in a ‘panic’ because I really need stuff and it’s ‘good enough’ and then hating it. Yesterday I nearly did this with some v-neck sweaters, but in the end – and how I love blogworld for this – I thought about all the conversations we all have about this stuff, and because they weren’t perfect or even very flattering, I put them back. I did feel disappointed not to have made a purchase and ticked something off my list, but I also felt good about not spending money on stuff I didn’t really like.
    Also, mater is totally right about doing things other than shopping. I am aghast at the number of people, particularly young people, for whom shopping in their primary form of recreation.

  27. I notice that I have slowed down on my thrifting. I must be getting pickier or my list is growing shorter. Nowadays, a piece has to be fairly unusual (not a basic piece) for me to part with even a few dollars.

  28. I’ve lived without cable for a while and I’m blissfully uninformed about reality shows. I’ve never had much of an interest in them anyways and commercials during normal tv are too long and bore me. I shop very carefully and buy only what I absolutely love. It also helps that I’ve moved eight times in the past nine years and I’m 25.

  29. You told me, that you were going to write on consumption too. Only your post is much better than mine.
    I have not watched TV for over 2 years now, and I have to say, that I have not missed anything. So true, that watching all the glitter, etc., might have an effect on one´s behavior. I only buy a few fashion magazines a year, to be shared in my blog posts.
    I have stopped online shopping, too easy, too exciting and too expensive.
    I shop only at certain local shops, to support them in my small way.
    I have never spent my money on fashion only. Money has been used for the whole Hagalund household.
    There are so many different ways to save, ways I have not even tried yet.
    I guess the most effective one is, to avoid shops, to avoid them especially during the sales.

  30. Interesting that several posters here don’t have television. Our family got rid of tv service eight years ago. We seldom miss it. I find it easier to rear my children without the constant flogging of shoddy merchandise and behavior one sees on tv.

  31. They were actually in Italy at the same time as you, though maybe not in the same place. My daughter’s group saw them. She and her friends were not pleased. They thought it was a shame that Italians would remember the Jersey Girls as representing Americans. Or even, for that matter, the New Jersey Housewives who visited Italy last year, right? I think of them, Caroline is the only one I wouldn’t mind representing me anywhere in this world.

  32. metscan – I thought your post was very thought provoking! Your strategies are good for minimizing outside influences that might lead you to buy more than you want. I think just staying out of the shops is a good one indeed!

    SewingLibrarian – more and more we just tend to record the shows we want to watch and skip the rest. That helps filter out most of the chaff.

    Veuve – returning immediately when items aren’t right is a good habit too! It’s true that the thrill wears off so quickly. It really is worth it to have better quality, better fit.

    Anonymous – I’m not familiar with the New Jersey Housewives, but it sure seems like the people they select to be on those shows are those who promise to behave the most outrageously. Good to hear that maybe they aren’t all like that.

  33. Just as you said! I spent 15 years focusing on my children and family. 2 years ago I decided it was time to re-vamp my wardrobe and be true to my style. It is *very* hard to stop buying cheap clothing, or even more expensive clothing that is *close* but still not right.

    The only way I have dealt with it is to never venture into stores if I can help it, return things that aren’t exactly what I want immediately, and save up for the good stuff. Right now, I’m letting myself buy ONE pair of good boots this year. They won’t be in stock until later this fall, and it is so tempting to buy something similar right now. I do know, at 54 years old, that the thrill of buying something new just to have it wears off really quickly and leaves a bad taste. So I’m pretty good at remembering that.

    I doubt I’m actually spending less money overall, but I’m buying far fewer things of better quality and manufactured in a way I can live with. Not easy, but worth it.

  34. I recently read a study that said most Americans wear 20% of their wardrobe 80% of the time. That was a turning point for me. I studied my 20% to figure out what made those items work. It really does help to focus in on what you constantly choose to wear, not the things that are not quite right.

    Much of the other 80% is now at the humane society thrift store.