Behind the Lens
Wherein I expose my conflicted relationship with photography, and set forth on a path to get my Photo Mojo back…
Anna the Photographer had been making the rounds among my mother’s group of friends, taking beautiful black-and-white “natural” (or at least not formally posed) portraits of the kids. It was 1969, and the formal family portraits, with everyone in their Sunday best stiffly posing against Technicolor Backdrop #3 in a studio had begun to seem passé. Our mother had to get in on this action. I was probably 11 years old during our first “sitting.” Anna followed ma soeur and me around on a Saturday, snapping shots as we goofed around.
“Yes, baby, it’s a Hasseblad, yes it’s the one they took to the moon,” she’d croon in her soft accent to my horse as he sniffed at the lens. Anna was Swedish, tall and blond, but more than that she was totally unlike my mother and her friends, who wore bright cotton shift dresses and lipstick and still teased their hair into bouffants and threw cocktail parties and talked about the neighbors. Anna wore jeans and a black turtleneck, and had long hair pulled back simply into a ponytail. She’d actually talk to me as she followed me around, asking me about what books I was reading and what music I liked. She shared what she was reading and listening to. She talked about photography and art, and I was hooked. Anna was my first style icon, my first “girl crush”(aspirational, not romantic or sexual) and ultimately my inspiration to take up photography.
By the age of 13, I’d become passionate about photography. I’d decided that I wanted to be a photographer like Anna, and started buying black and white film for my little Kodak Instamatic. A neighbor friend’s mother, an Artsy Cousin type who had her own darkroom, taught me how to develop film and print pictures. I’d lock myself in a pitch-dark closet, towel stuffed under the door to prevent even a single wave of light from creeping in, wrestle open one of those plastic Instamatic film cartridges, and carefully spool the film onto a developing reel, all by touch. My parents, probably grateful at that point in time that I wasn’t Doing Drugs, (in the late 60’s/early 70’s in the San Francisco Bay Area, DRUGS were every parent’s greatest fear, right up there with the Zodiac killer) eventually bought an entry level enlarger and allowed me to turn one of the bathrooms into a part-time darkroom of my own. Soon I was printing black-and-white photos of the neighbor’s horse or our cat asleep on a bale of hay, or a cluster of wild oats against a cloudy sky. My interest did not wane, and after a year or so my parents helped me purchase my first SLR camera, a Yashica TL Electro-X. (You never forget your First.) I was in heaven, and would spend afternoons traipsing around our quasi-rural neighborhood snapping shots of anything that reminded me of the photos I’d seen in that month’s Photography magazine. I took my prints to the camera store to be heat mounted, and spent some weekend afternoons at local Art Faires™ next to women with paintings of clowns or fruit or crocheted Kleenex box cozies, trying to sell my work. I even had business cards printed up.
Then, my sophomore year of high school, I decided to take a photography class as an elective. The teacher, who also taught English, was big on Themes and Deeper Meaning and Artistic Statements. I didn’t get it. I just wanted to explore interesting visual imagery, and at that point was captivated by light and texture, and trees. For our final portfolio, I’d captured what I thought was some of my best work, a close up of rough oak bark, a bare birch branch hung with raindrops, with the sun behind making the drops sparkle like lights, a flock of crows taking off from a giant oak, a gnarled branch against an empty sky. The teacher however, was not impressed. “These are a bit trite, don’t you think? What is your Theme? Where is the Deeper Meaning? I know you are capable of more.” Maybe she was right, but all I heard was that I didn’t have the stuff to be a good photographer. Disheartened, I gradually lost interest, sold my SLR and darkroom equipment to a friend of my mother’s, and rarely looked back. (A few years later, watching the movie “The Four Seasons” I had to chuckle at Sandy Dennis’ character who spent months photographing vegetables. I wonder if my teacher viewed my tree project as “rather constipated,” a remark one of the other characters in the movie makes about the vegetable project.)
Since then, I’ve only had point-and-click cameras, and mostly have limited my picture-taking to snapshots. I felt intimidated by the thought of trying to do anything more ambitious. But in my quest to take better WIW photos for the blog, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to step up my game, bite the bullet and dip my toe into the world of DSLR cameras. I came across this very helpful video from Jeannine of Independent Fashion Bloggers on how to take your own outfit photos, and have taken the plunge and purchased a camera similar to the one she recommends, wireless remote and tripod. Wish me luck!
Just don’t expect a lot of Deeper Meaning. 😉
~
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 United States License.
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Your surface is more interesting that most people’s depths, my dear. Personally, in my classrooms, I react with horror to the phrase “deeper meaning,” although I try to respect that students have been inculcated with that phrase and are trying to step up their game. And themes with the capital T, shudder . . .
So. . . scarf stylist extraordinaire, Renaissance dancer and costume maker, lived for months on a small boat, rowing to work daily, can develop her own photos, equestrian skills . . . what can’t you do?!
Look forward to your photos, as always
Sorry to hear you had a crap teacher who didn’t get you and killed your passion so young. Looking forward to you new meaningless photos!
Would love to see your old photos from that class. I bet we could find plenty of “deep meaning” in them as I’m guessing your love for beautiful “objets” has been with you since you were a wee lass. The Pursuit of Beauty is meaning enough IMHO. I collect bird’s nests I discover while walking my dog. As “trite” as that may be, I cherish them. Their beauty takes my breath away, especially when a small remmant of a long-hatched egg is left behind, a bittersweet homage to motherhood. What’s more meaningful than the beauty of the natural order?
I’ve always shied away from classes on creative writing, fearing the extinction of whatever might make my writing my own. It’s almost as though you have to guard the portal to your creativity very carefully, and only let the worthy enter. I flick my finger, and raise my nose at your old teacher. The 50s are for healing injuries and moving forward. Looking forward to your photos.
I’m getting back into “serious photography” and just this week bought a book that you might like, too.
It’s called “The Practice of Contemplative Photography,” by Andy Karr and Michael Wood (Shambhala Press). Beautiful and inspiring stuff.
Have fun with your new “toy”!!
That teacher sounds awful…it gives the profession such a bad rap.
You will fall in love with your DSLR..my lovely DIL has one and blogs and her tripod and remote work a treat.
Have fun and do show us more of your world.
I just wanted to recommend a easy-fun-DSLR camera until I reached the end of the posting- can’t wait to see your first DSLR pics. Have fun on your first steps!
PS: age 15 came I wished to transforming our second bathroom into a dark room. No chance.
You have some wonderful childhood-years you can remember, you and your darkroom!
If I may place a wish: please step outside the house with the camera. I noticed I hardly go outside with my DSLR, because it is sooo heavy.
Tree bark or cat wisker…bring it on! It’s disheartening how many yoiung kids’ visions were ruined by teachers who simply didn’t get it.
And my word verification is sly prose. Deeper meaning?!
today I am recommending a book about too, ..; it is a first novel on Milan’s fashion world
have a look on This is Belgium
will look at your blog more closely in the coming days
I’m sorry your narrow-minded teacher took away your joy in photography for so long. Seems pretentious and mean-spirited to me although perhaps he saw talent and wanted to push your further. Anyway I’m glad you’re exploring further now!
I am so impressed that you keep coming up with new ways to enjoy life. Your work with the camera will truly be illuminating and I hope the memories of that horrid teacher fade with every photograph you take.
How sad that the teacher killed your interest in something that brought you such joy. I had a similar experience in 8th grade in a competitive writing program to supposedly nurture top creative writers. To this day, I write for business, but refuse to write creative work. However, I wear some version of the Polyvore outfit here 85 percent of the time. What I wouldn’t do to get that watch….
@materfamilias You are very kind, thank you. I had the same teacher for an English Literature class, and we also didn’t “get” each other there either. That said, I want to be fair, I don’t think she was necessarily a bad teacher, just that we had divergent visions and I wasn’t secure enough at that point to trust my own.
@Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP Thank you. I’ve been having a lot of fun playing around with the camera, hoping to have something to show soon.
@Lee Rosenthall Your birds’ nests sound lovely. I find so much beauty in nature, and trying to capture it is enough “meaning” for me now. Unfortunately after four decades and dozens of moves, the photos didn’t survive.
@Paula Paula, I’m curious to know what you would have recommended. I wound up with one that’s a slightly lower end model (EOS Rebel T3) of the Canon that Jeannine uses. I found that the ones with wireless capabilities built in seemed to be a few hundred dollars more, so bought a wireless transmitter/receiver doodad for about $25.
@LPC I think you are very smart to have guarded that portal. Your voice is so clear and so unique in your writing.
@Rubi Thank you for the book recommendation, will definitely check that one out. Hope to see some of your photo work on your blog!
@coffeeaddict sly prose, ha! You know, in hindsight I think this teacher regarded her classes as college prep, and probably thought she was pushing us to stretch and not be mentally lazy. But at that point in my life, I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to be able to get that and distance her critique.
@hostess of the humble bungalow Some of the students really liked her, just think it was a matter of whether her subjective vision aligned with theirs. (She seemed to prefer photo essays that centered on interactions between people.) I’ve just begun playing with the camera, but so far am amazed at the quality of the pictures I’ve taken.
@Gretchen Gretchen, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I think maybe some teachers forget that our confidence can be fragile in those years, and tend to run a bit roughshod with the critiques.
@vicki archer Yes! It keeps us looking at the world with fresh eyes.
@this is Belgium Thanks, will check it out.
@Leslie Leslie, thanks. I like to think it was the latter, that she was pushing me to stretch, but at the time it just seemed that she was saying what I wanted to do wasn’t good enough, that my vision was lacking.
@Anonymous Thank you! I *need* to keep myself challenged, I’ve realized, but there has to be a payoff in enjoyment too.
@kathy peck Smart you, and your art is amazing. Thanks!
pseu: Check this out. Quite timely, no?
“Meet The World’s Most Expensive Photo, Part II”
http://www.npr.org/blogs/pictureshow/2011/11/15/142342119/meet-the-worlds-most-expensive-photo-part-ii?ft=3&f=111787346&sc=nl&cc=es-20111120
@Lee Rosenthall Yeah, I don’t get that pricetag either, though it is a stunning photo. I suspect it’s one of those “paying for the artist, not the work” situations.
IT’s never too late and photography is such a joy because every moment is a fresh moment… Can’t wait to see what you click and show… xv
Being an art major, I know all about all those teachers who seem to ruin young budding artists–so I can relate to your pain….
As you may know, I just took my first photo class a couple weeks ago and was agog at the expensive cameras people had in the class and had no idea how to use them! I’m on the other end–I have a very inexpensive camera, but am going to learn every nuance. I just got photoshop and am editing too.
Have fun and cant wait to see your photos!
Anna sounds fabulous – and I like the Beatnik-style outfit you’ve put together. My photography skills aren’t great but I get by and I’m sure with the help of a decent camera and Jeannine’s tutorial – so will you!
I’ve never taken an art class for the same reason LPC has never taken a creative writing class. Mean teacher, but I believe you’ll be getting your mojo back!
Applause for shaking off the blinders of perfectionism is imparted by “teaching” (really lousy teaching). So happy that you are reclaiming your interest and creative energies!
And Anna’s outfit is perfection.
That was not a very grammatical comment- but rather than correct it, am going to let it stand, in the spirit of your post.
All too easy to discourage young artists. (and the not so young as well!). I had enough of that in art school – it seems pointlessly cruel in high school and the scars stay with one forever!
Pseu…I’ve been thinking about this all night, believe it or not. I was so miffed about your teacher, and so thrilled you’re re exploring photos ( if we get peeks at work like that of the tree bark you’d shared, we are in for a treat). Then. This morning, I remembered the scene in A Christmas Story, where the teacher announces she wants her class to write…A Theme. Much groaning ensues, but Ritchie decides to write a brilliant essay to get what he wants. Oh, how I love that film. Godspeed to you in your pursuit! Mine was killed because of the obsequiousness of the writing program, and that pretention destroyed the joy of writing, sadly. I still read profusely, and that’s good enough for now.
@fashionoverfifty The sad thing is, I don’t think most teachers like that *intend* to undercut their students. My new camera has so many features, I figure it will take me a while to learn to use them all. I’ve done some simple photo editing with the Windows and Mac programs, but haven’t tried Photoshop yet.
@That’s Not My Age Anna was/is fabulous, and I still love Beatnik style. Still a sharp learning curve on the camera. Had hoped to get out and play for a few hours today, but we had a deluge of rain!
@Gretchen I hate to admit it, but I’ve never seen A Christmas Story. I keep meaning to grab it from Netflix and watch it, but never seem to get to it. Let’s all try to reclaim the joy in creative pursuits that was squashed by the experts!
@Duchesse
Thanks, Duchesse! I remember when some of my friends started reading/doing The Artist’s Way, and talked a lot about giving themselves permission to do it badly (at first). I think that’s so important, as perfectionism really stifles that creative impulse.
@Leslie I’m sorry you had that experience as well. What is WITH these teachers? I realized that they can’t tell everyone that everything they do is good (and that certainly would be doing us no favors), but there has to be a way to shape and encourage people at the same time.
Some wise woman said that women in middle age can retrieve their bliss by thinking back to what gave them joy at the age of 11, before adolescent self-consciousness, family and work responsibilities, social pressures (and bad teachers!) intervened. Taking up that activity again often leads to a new burst of creative satisfaction. I am so glad that you are going back to your camera and black-and-white photography. As for Anna’s outfit, I’ve recently rediscovered the pleasure of gallivanting in worn jeans and a cashmere turtleneck; now it’s become a comfortable uniform, one that makes me feel ready for anything. Have fun!
C.
I too had a little black and white camera when I was a kid – took lots of photos of my dog and cat! And I can relate to being crushed by a teacher. It’s so easy to be critical in the name of “helping”.
Looking forward to seeing what you do with your camera. Perhaps I should take mine out when I walk the dog.
My word is ‘brivo’ Bravo indeed!
*Gasp* — jeans and a black top!
I’m so glad you’re going back to it. I had a similar experience in grad film school and completely gave up on cameras (which I even used to collect until I just walked away) Anyway, I finally bought a good camera last christmas and it took me until last month to really break it out and use it…but it’s so fun to have photography back in my life, I think that it’s like riding a bike–it comes back. Can’t wait to see what you shoot!
xo Mary Jo
I cringe when I hear stories of creativity being stifled. Do you remember the movie Ghost World with Scarlett Johansson? The art teacher character is so typical of my memory of art teachers from that era.
I love your photos as they are, but I understand that you want to make them even better.
Hi again! I would have recommended a bulky Nikon, mainly because my large hands could not handle the smaller Canon. And because I am a brand-victim (dreamt of owning a Nikon since my teenage-years).
The SA in the camera story said “Why buy a Canon when you can have a Nikon?”
I guess he went through the same brand-affinity like I did.
I am really looking forward to seeing your photos. PS: I just posted photos I took in the kitchen. The camera is my best companion in the kitchen, anytime.
That was a good video i have all of the equipment – guess i just need to get the backgrounds sorted out – i just find it really hard smiling at nothing – then again – maybe i should just take Frank!! And on another note – some people really should not teach – we all had them – and when you were young their opinion matters – now seriously?? have a good week xx
http://fashionandfrank.blogspot.com/