Hiding In Plain Sight
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| Quelques Parisiennes in their natural habitat. Note the (mostly) sensible shoes. |
It was rather serendipitous, Duchesse’s post yesterday at Passage Des Perles. (When A French Woman Gains Weight.) Duchesse spoke of her French friend, Laurence, who had gained a little weight and gone up a couple of sizes, but has changed her style of dressing not a whit. Shunning voluminous “camouflage” clothing, she still seeks out the kind of items she’s always worn, in a proper fit for her new size.
Serendipitous, because some outfit photos I took over the weekend have really brought home just how much of my wardrobe is comprised of camouflage clothing, and how much I’m still dressing to hide my shape. What looks “soft and draping” in the mirror shows up in the camera lens as “schooner under full sail.”
A bit of history: my mother, dismayed by my ronde form, was always on the lookout for clothes that would hide my stomach and bottom, until my teen years when she decided that making me squeeze into clothing a size too small would encourage me to lose weight. When I was old enough to rebel (and buy my own clothing) I let my inner Hippie Chick have a good deal of latitude. Ponchos, wrap skirts, denim overalls and prairie dresses became my best clothing friends.
Flash forward a few decades: finding fitted clothing for a curvy 5’1″ body is downright difficile. It’s often been easier to rely on flow and drape to skim over my curves than hunt down those few pieces that are cut well (or can be altered) to fit my form. I’ve learned to avoid the most obviously voluminous items that unequivocally swamp me (the word “cascading” has become a red flag) but need to pay as much attention to fit as I’ve learned to pay to quality and construction.
Comfort is still important to me. A little stretch is a good thing. 😉 But the more tent-like garments have got to go. As Duchesse’s friend says, “you can run, but you can’t ‘ide.” And maybe it’s time to check out some (gentle) shapewear too.
Bien dans ma peau means acknowledging my current shape and working with it, not trying to hide it. Very few of us have a “perfect” shape (whatever that is) but we so often feel shame for what is just natural and beautiful human variety. Rather, let’s focus on health, well-being and acknowledging our unique beauty by dressing our bodies well.
How about you? Do you gravitate toward clothing that hides your shape? Or are you a stickler for fit?
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I’ve been having ‘fat days’ as I’ve gone up a dress size and can barely fasten anything, I feel horrible, I’ve been in my poncho a lot – that says it all.
I just wish I didn’t come from a genetically fat family!
Having lost weight and gone down a few clothing sizes in the past couple of years, I’ve learned a lot about what to wear and what not to wear. What I’ve learned is that properly fitting clothes are more flattering than loose tent-like clothes. I wasn’t fooling anyone when I wore loose shapeless garments.
However, within the parameters of more fitted clothing, there are cuts and colors that are more flattering for me and some that are less so. I am short and an hourglass figure, so I know that, for example, loose, flowing sweaters aren’t right for me.
On the topic of shapewear, I’ve found that Target sells a brand (Assets, which is made by Spanx) that gets the job done without making you miserable. In fact, once I put on a pair, I almost never notice a change in my comfort level for the day. My trick for this is to wear a size larger than suggested on the sizing chart — I’m still getting the benefits of the shapewear, but it’s just more comfortable.
Wonderful words, Une Femme. Bien dans son peau is the place to be, whatever the shape or size (and fwiw, I think you have a lovely form). I avoid “cascading” clothes as well, and I agree that the camera tells us things the mirror tends to omit. : >
I foundthis look of yours amongst the popular looks in LOOksoup:
https://unefemme.net/2012/10/when-in-doubt.html
http://looksoup.com/popular-look/102354/
I am in your camp 5’1 and curvy, ample and do have to watch that I do not buy tent dresses!
It’s interesting too that we both have thyroid conditions…
I often wonder if I had it all my life and that’s why I tend to gain weigh just looking at food!
Duchesse’s post struck a chord as does this one.
You make an effort to look stylish and polished and I think that’s more than half the battle.
Gosh and you are a working mom too and you make it look so easy!
I love this post, and Duchesse’! You’re right, cascading only seems to work if you are rail thin and very tall.
I think we need to make friends with our tailor. Woman don’t seem willing to spend the money to alter clothing to fit our bodies. We blame ourselves, rather than the garment. I buy the size to fit the largest part it needs to cover and alter the rest. A lot can be done with color placement too. There is no perfect shape, just variety of shapes. I find proportion a key to balancing my “new” shape. Great post, as always!
Love your take on the camo-dressing. And, A Well-Styled Life- the tailor is a problem. EIther they are the drycleaner who can take up your jean hem but that’s it, or the bespoke (male) tailor. I’ve had horrendous experiences with the low end- lumpy seams, unevenly placed pockets, and the high end does not want to touch a garment they did not make.
Don’t even get me started about trying to find a true dressmaker- and I live in a city of 2.5 million!
I must be very lucky. I do have an excellent dressmaker here in the Bay Area. The dry cleaners is NEVER a good option. Wedding dress shops have excellent tailors and may be a resource to help find one.
Oh my: I am looking for a good dressmaker! I live in San Francisco and am dying for recommendations! I read so many blogs which often focus on keeping the clothes you love, getting rid of ill-fitting ones etc etc (the downsize phenom related to the “don’t keep clothes that make you feel bad” phenom) and I have a bag of things I love for particular reasons (fabric, cut, memories) but which don’t fit…. if you can recommend someone, would love to hear: crowrose at aol dot com. Thanks, Maggie
My style of dress has changed a lot since I moved to Spain, with my clothes getting closer to my body (which is also just a little bit smaller than when I got here). European women, even the “rollizas,” tend not to go for the flowing look.
We’re very fortunate in Madrid to still have ready access to dressmakers, and I do tend to have everything altered to fit. It makes a big difference in how I feel in my clothes, and feeling good in what you’re wearing is the key to being stylish.
I relate to this and then some. You don’t look like you’re camo dressing though! As I recall, many of your pieces are beautifully fitted.
Great post! I had similar thoughts yesterday reading the same post. My Mum’s favorite saying was, ” the only thing normal in this life is the setting on the dryer!” Love your frankness in this post! (Also, love your blog. It is one of my daily reads!
Oh, yes. “Hiding in my clothes”. Even today at age 69, I’m still doing that more than I should. I’m 5’4″, reduced from 5’5″, a size 4-6, reduced from 8-10. And still… I love wearing a small men’s v-neck cardigan with sleeves rolled up with slim jeans or cords. But I look better in a slightly shaped cardigan. I know. I know. Thanks to you and Duchesse for the reminder…
Hi Pseu —
Great thoughts here. I will say that IMO there’s definitely a difference between “camo dressing” and clothes that have more volume but fit in the shoulder, create overall good proportions etc. The latter often look rather widening in still shots but come into their own when the body moves.
You tend to do fitted + volume very nicely so I don’t want you to be too hard on yourself!
Personally I have a much easier time figuring out fitted/skimming clothes but have enjoyed playing around with more volume. I’ve definitely had to let go of some vanity when seeing photos of me in said volume, though!
For most of my life, I have been overweight and attempted to HIDE it in oversized clothing!! When I began my “reinvention” at age 50, I quickly learned that I looked much thinner if I wore clothes that fit my shape. The fitted jacket became my best friend. I still love the loose, drapy garments…I am sitting here wearing one right now. But my best looks are the fitted ones! I constantly get emails from ladies asking why I shop at Lane Bryant…they think I look in my pictures that I do not need to…but believe me, I still need to shop there for pants that fit my hips, though I am going in the right direction. The fact that readers don’t think I need to tells me I am doing something right. It took me awhile to get the courage to wear the fitted clothes…but I am so glad that I did. I went from prairie skirts to pencil skirts and love it!!
I loved Duchesse’s post and I love this one as well. After reading Passage des Perles yesterday, I brought out a bodysuit that I usually wear only a few times a year under a dress. I wore it with jeans, etc. and it was totally comfortable and I’m going to look for a few others. My husband (who has a very good eye) often tells me something is too big on me and needs to be altered, so I guess I do tend to wear things that I “think” make me look thinner, when actually from photos, they do not. I do want (although I’m not succeeding) to find a way to make peace with my body at 60. It’s not going to be the same as it was at 30, and I should be grateful for so many other things, as you’ve stated. Thanks for the great post.
Having lost a lot of weight several years ago (50 lbs), I went from a US/CA size 18 to a size 4-6. I kind of went crazy, buying all kinds of clothing, just because it fit. It took me a couple of years to realize that just because I can get something on, doesn’t mean it fits. Fit is so much more important to me now than a size, and I like showing off my shape!
I think you look beautiful!
I’ve gained some weight in my late 40’s (about 10 lbs) and it took me a year to accept my new shape, but I’ve always felt it was more flattering to wear clothing that is fitted to define whatever shape I do have. Shapeless clothes don’t fool anyone and make me look just that, shapeless. I can enjoy a bit of of self-delusion and comfort in wearing flowing clothes, but I know what’s underneath and I suspect everyone else does, too. So, I gear up my confidence and go for fitted shapes in beautiful colors and fabrics and try my best to carry it off with panache and as little insecurity as the day will allow!
Hear, hear – to all of it. (Also petite and curvy, it does pose challenges. But hiding in plain sight as you say, though it is the way some of us were raised, is no way to live. With or without our best duds on.)
I’m a curvy 5’7”, I hide a lot too ! It’s not the height, it’s the curvy part that’s a problem !
I am so sorry your Mom acted like that. I really am.
And I think you have great style – and look forward to following your continued journey.
I don’t have the sense that you are hiding in your clothes, but you know best.
I prefer fitted clothing, even though I’ve gone up a couple of sizes over the past twenty years. Thankfully, I can sew and fit myself. I’m usually unhappy with what comes off the store racks, thanks to narrow shoulders and a pear shape.
Hm, in a couple years of reading your blog I have never caught a whiff of this camo problem. Instead, it always seemed to me that you dressed for movement and you had a good sense of fit. I know that I’m worrying lately about a weight problem at the opposite end of the spectrum…
I agree with others re your great style. For myself, I love drapey, flowey garments but not because I’m trying to “hide” – it’s just a style I like – though I like tailored and fitted as well – though more for outerwear. If I like what I see in the mirror, but maybe in a photo it doesn’t look all that great, I blame it on the lens! (possibly delusional, but it makes me happy!).
I have put on some weight over the past few years and am now size 12 (USA 8) and am also 5’1″. Being short, I know anything too loose makes me look dumpy, so I usually buy clothes that skim my figure. I’m not curvy, I just have too much fat around my waist! Finding petite clothes in Spain isn’t easy, even though many Spanish women are my height. On a recent shopping trip to London I booked a personal shopper experience in Banana Republic and was spoilt for choice! I tried some navy trousers which were a bit tight around the waist so I suggested that I needed the next size. The assistant said no, as they would be too loose on me, and said the trousers I was wearing had some stretch. I tried sitting down and she was quite right. The lesson is that, on my own, I would have bought the larger pair, but the pair I bought look great on me and feel really comfortable. With a top that skims over my waist – without being baggy – of course! I too love your blog and you always look amazing.
I don’t wear dresses as much as I would like as I don’t have the greatest of legs so tend to stick safely to trousers. it is easier in the winter as I can wear opaque tights. Formal summer occasions are much more tricky.
Bravo, Pseu. My sentiments exactly! I am accepting what I am. My body is that of a 63 year old woman. It doesn’t mean that I will accept sloppiness or that I will cease to look for clothing that fits well. But I’m not hiding or apologizing. The occasional draping sweater or dress is fine. But as I said in Duchesse’s post yesterday, shapewear is our friend. And there are some brands now which are specifically for a certain shape, say apple or pear. I love tailored dresses and will use a tailor or shapewear to get an appealing look.
One of the advantages of middle age is that people don’t really inspect our bodies.
I am a bit younger than you (just starting to become invisible) and I am having the same issue with finding tailored or fitted clothing of any sort. Its all very tight and meant for a 20 yr old(max) or flowy, which doesn’t one any favours. I had the same realization after seeing a photo where I looked huge, due to clothing. Flowy and the curvy form are not friends. A bust needs to be defined otherwise you can look like a solid block, never a good thing.
A lot of the blame I place on clothing manufacturing. They make cheap garments – fit is expensive so they just abstain. Even trying to find a non-see-thru white t-shirt has become a HG challenge. (wth?) Basically we are getting the same treatment that full figured plus size women have gotten for years from the fashion industrial complex: we cease to exist.
I am getting sick of wearing a cardi and good pants (that I have had since 2002I think…excellent purchase) that flatter …or jeans, but I am forced to shop the oldies in my closet or vintage/thrift to find older styles that are fitted.
I have accepted that I have boobs and hips. I just need the fashion industry to do the same.
– Sue
@Sisty brought up a major point that I forgot – a massive peeve of mine these days – good fabric. Or rather, the lack of it. One needs decent weight fabric, the good stuff, in a garment fo it to do its work properly. Flimsy fabric is our enemy.
Clothes need to work for us. We should not have to settle.
Sue
Read Overdressed, by Elizabeth L. Cline — great write about the fashion industry. There are reasons why we have tons of inventory in the stores, but horrible choices.
I do the best I can, but at 5’7″ and just brushing into plus sizes at age 53 –it’s not an easy task.
I swear sometimes I think you’re inside my head. I am just starting project 333 and so am trying to figure out which clothes I really love, and why, because they are the only ones that will be in my closet for the next three months.
My favorite shirt is a stretchy three-quarter length sleeve number by Joseph Ribkoff in a black and white print that I got at a consignment store a few years ago. Why do I love it? (which translates to, “why do I think it looks so good on me?” 1) it’s got a zipper, which for a larg-ish bust is a great feature — no worrying about gapping, and you can raise/lower the “v”. 2) it is fitted — princess seams, darts, and ruching around the waist, which hides the tummy. (Tops that drop directly off the bust, without shaping, look tent-like on me). 3) it has a small, slightly ruffled collar, which brings attention to my face. 4) the black white pattern is good for my high contrast coloring (light skin, dark hair, dark eyes) and good for camouflaging upper arm fleshiness. 5) the fabric, though stretchy, is not thin or clingy, also good for camouflaging lumps and bumps.
My second-favorite shirt is a white Brooks Brothers three-quarter sleeve button down no-iron shirt, for all of the same reasons as above, but in a fabric with some body of its own. There are several fit options, including one that fits me in the bust without gapping yet hugs the ribcage, which is the slimmest part of my torso. Plus it’s got a nice snappy collar, and you can’t go wrong with white.
Sorry for the long post — it’s just that I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this very subject recently.
I remember my mother making my clothes when I was a child and always poking my waist saying “you’ve got no middle!”. Funny how these things stick with you. I still carry my extra weight around my waistline which is difficult to dress as I am only 5’2″ myself. It’s a challenge but it’s doable.
Love this post. Just yesterday, a rail thin co-worker told me she wished she had my “big bottom.” “Excuse me,” I said. But she was dead serious. I told her I wish I had her skinny legs. “No, you’re joking!” she gasped. We laughed at ourselves. The truth is the last thing I want to do is fret over my flaws anymore. I did that for years and it didn’t change a thing. Now I look for clothing that play up my good bits—-period. I’ll let the observer fret about my flaws—I done with that.
Your post really resonated with me – I am about to turn 50 and am hoping that I will no longer feel the need to hide because of my few extra pounds. There is something freeing about becoming “invisible” at a certain age! On the other hand, I have recently lost twenty five pounds (by eating healthily and exercising regularly) so I am learning to dress the smaller me and enjoying how I look in clothes for the first time in a while. Thank you for always bring up interesting topics!
You always look great in the outfit posts you share, but all outfit pics can be quite enlightening, even if we don’t publish them for the world to see. I love what Clinton and Stacy do on What Not to Wear, showing a variety of women, many very curvy, what the right fit (and the right bra) will do to highlight their fabulous figures.
I have the opposite problem, at least right now. My weight fluctuates, usually to the low end. I’ve noticed that my clothes look too big sometimes, so I’m working on culling my closet down to things that fit my body as is, at least for the moment.
What a great post! I would say I’m a stickler for fit. I went up a dress size in my late thirties after being a super skinny minnie all of my twenties and early thirties. It was a big mental adjustment to suddenly have to dress curves I never used to have and to think that actually I couldn’t rely on just getting my “usual” dress size because my usual dress size was now one up from that. Vanity makes one think you should be able to get into the old size – the objectiveness of the mirror in this case is your best friend. I really had to put all that aside and just look honestly at which out of two sizes was the better fit. And there is always the big tip of stylish women – find a good tailor to adjust the fit of your clothes. It is rare that store bought mass produced garments are going to fit every body type out there but a couple of adjustments can work wonders.
Fit is good of course, especially when you get it right. But the grey area between fit and sausage is often thin and iffy. And since I’ve lived in the 80s I prefer flowy to sausage any day.. I’d also like to point out that flowy can incorporate some fit, in place, which makes a lot of difference. I tend to do fit for the inside layers, but I’m glad to return to oversize for outerwear (and perhaps sweaters). Much more functional and sensible. I actually think it’s pathetic how French women shiver through the winter because if they wore enough of a coat they’d Look Fat (and die?).
I’d also like to point out that this is a matter of age. Older French women still go with fit-to-sausage, because they have more to prove, while young ones seem to be doing oversize with abandon.