Somebody talk me back in off the ledge...

I'm having a moment. It started innocently enough, with an intriguing silk ombré scarf in the window. But twice this week, I've found myself in Eileen Fisher, trying on flowing, body-skimming clothes. Maybe it's my recently expanding dimensions, maybe it's the warm weather, but...I'm liking some of this stuff, and finding it to be flattering and comfortable. There's always been an aspect of my style personality that gravitates toward the hippie-dippy-artsy-fartsy, at times taking over my sartorial consciousness like one of Sybil's more insistent selves, only to vanish as suddenly and leaving that "what was I thinking???" section of my closet as a reminder.

But some of these look really good on, like this tunic tank.

Or these linen jeans (which are light and soft and have lots of movement):

This cardigan is fabulous over the tank, and has an interesting sleeve detail. I've always loved duster-length jackets or tops in soft, flowing fabrics, but hesitated out of fear of the Dreaded Bea Arthur Effect. But look at this silk duster! It's simple, it's elegant, it would look great accessorized with an Hermès scarf!These are clothes for women who have Given Up, right? But is it so wrong to just want to wear something loose and Wealthy-Marin-County-Aging-Hippie-esque sometimes? And I must confess that the Garanimals aspect is appealing for those days when pulling together disparate elements of the closet is just too daunting. Yet some of the pieces could be mixed with more tailored items as well. One would think that the "would I wear it in Paris?" standard would eliminate just about everything I've shown you, but last year I did see many women in Paris (in some of the tonier locations, yet) dressed in this looser, more bohemian style. Have I been abducted by the Yoga Chic Body Snatchers?? Or is this fascination just a manifestation of a midlife crisis, like when my dad went to EST and grew his hair long and started talking about his past lives?
.

Things are going swimmingly

This was the winner in the swimwear search:

It fits well, looks fabulous on, and stays put.

Runner up:

Care and Feeding

In my 20's, I had a close friend who was heavily invested in her appearance, especially with regard to maintaining a very toned, thin body. She made no bones (no pun intended) about the fact that this was the most important thing in her life. People were always commenting on her slender figure and asking how she kept it. "I take care of myself," she'd sniff just a bit haughtily. Her version of taking care of herself demanded unswerving and relentless rigidity regardless of circumstance: eating less than 1000 calories per day, usually two but sometimes three daily aerobics classes, and eventually, abuse of laxatives. (Do I have to admit that my younger, eating-disordered self envied her for her thinness and for what I perceived at the time as strength and discipline, only understanding in later years that it sprung from self-hatred and obsession?) We started drifting apart after I started finding my way out of ED-ville, and began moving away from our shared worldview.

So a lot of years passed where hearing the words "I take care of myself" made une femme bristle a bit. It always fell on my ears sounding a bit self-righteous and disingenuous at the same time. I've seen a lot of people do a lot of ultimately self-destructive things in the name of "taking care of themselves" which to many always seems to equate to "staying thin and young-looking." And I've seen some naturally very thin people with really crappy habits get a pass, and get credited with good self-care when it's really mostly Doritos and genetics.

But to be able to live a stylish, adventurous, balanced, delicious life after 50, more and more attention to self care is required. So what does that look like? And how does one separate what really nurtures and energizes from what is intended to achieve a specific culturally-approved look? I've come to realize that this is a highly individual formula, and that it must shift with time and circumstances. Taking care of myself in my 20's meant (among other things) running three miles a few times a week, because it made me feel wonderful and gave me lots of energy, but that same regimen would be murder on my joints today. (I miss running, I really do.)

Self-care at this point in time involves the following (in no particular order):

• A bit of protein with every meal, and fresh fruits and veggies as often as possible.


• Limiting sugary foods to immediately after meals (prevents blood sugar crashes)


• Walking as much as possible, and once I'm cleared by the orthopedist, riding my recumbent stationary bike a few times a week


• Regular dental care (more and more evidence that gum disease is a factor in a host of other serious conditions, such as heart disease!) Flossing daily in addition to brushing.


• Regular medical checkups


• Remembering to take my thyroid med every morning


• Sleep (getting 8 hours is a challenge at times, but I try)


• Wearing clothing that fits my body NOW, not when I'm five pounds thinner


• Wearing a seatbelt (it's the law here, but still)


• Down time where no one is making demands on me (I get up an hour before the rest of my family to achieve this)


• SUNSCREEN. Every day. 40+ SPF.


• Writing for this blog.


• Doing some stretches daily, again once the orthopedist signs off (I'm restricted from certain movements until my bones have fused to my artificial hip)


• Vitamin, calcium, and fish oil tablets daily


• A bit of dark chocolate daily, and a glass of wine a few times a week.


• A good laugh at my own expense at least once a day. ("I used to be disgusted/But now I'm just amused.")

While this may sound like an exhaustive (and perhaps exhausting!) list, the truth is that I've been able to incorporate most of these into my daily routines and they now are mostly habit. Although no one would probably ever point to me as a picture of glowing fitness, the rest of my life doesn't have to wind and twist like a topiary around what I do in the name of health. Because really, how "healthy" would that be?

Fear and Loathing

Yes, it's time for une femme to replace the swimsuit.


The one I purchased a couple of years ago in Palm Springs, and loved like no swimsuit I'd had in decades, has given up the ghost. It's faded, stretched out, and the bottom is pilled and worn thin from pool chemicals and rough concrete steps. This suit shouldn't have been so flattering, there were no "slimming panels" or ruching, or v-necks "creating a more vertical line." There was no clever color blocking or underwire. It was a simple, brown tank with a soft cup bra and thin straps, and looked fabulous on. I started looking for its replacement last year with no luck.


Prior to my PS Perfect suit, I'd had pretty good luck with Land's End swimsuits. I should mention that a) I'm not a beach bunny or lounge-around-the-pool type (my family's proclivity for skin cancer means I'm a committed Siren of Shade, including the big hat, cover up and sunglasses in addition to my 50+ SPF sunscreen), and b) as with my clothes, I prefer my swimwear without a lot of gimmickry. I need something basic, comfortable, and flattering that's actually designed for swimming.


I'm also adverse to trying on swimsuits anywhere except at home. There's something about the lighting in most dressing rooms that highlight all of the features of my physique I'm less than enamoured of. Every bump and roll seems to be magnified in that fluorescent glow. So online I go. Let's see what's out there in one piece, V-neck styles.

Nordstrom's carries the Miraclesuit brand, which I've read good things about. This one is kind of cute, but the top looks less than secure, and brings back some embarassing memories of an accidental Girls Gone Wild moment after my Olympic-calibre jackknife from the diving board.
Option #2 meets my basic requirements (v-neck, simple) but is just a little too "boobs in bondage."

I'm all for a little animal print, but this one just screams Cabana Cougar.
Ouch. This is traumatic just to look at. Flashback to childhood summer swim lessons and the Fat Girl suits my mother made me wear (not to mention the swimcap adorned with multicolored rubber flowers).
Halters usually are flattering. Here's a possibility. The description says "underwire" AND it's available with a D cup...
Love the styling on this one, but the polka dots remind me of a dress my grandmother had circa 1965... On to Land's End. here's a one-piece that's not too stodgy, but I'm iffy on the shirring at the waist. sometimes when it's straight across like that it bunches up and creates the effect of an overly tight belt. If you want to rock a Betty Grable look, this little number is surprisingly flattering. It actually looks better on women with more curves than the model.
I've had Land's End tankini's in the past, and while they're not as flattering as a one piece, it's nice not having to peel out of and then back in to a tight, wet suit when you need to go to the bathroom. This halter tankini top might be worth a try (with bottoms here).
My pals at Travelsmith also offer some swimwear, and this style (also by Miraclesuit) is one of the more promising.
I'll let you know which I ultimately end up with, but will not be uploading any modeling pics.

Sage Advice or Ageism?

It's no secret that we live in a culture that doesn't exactly revere our elders. It's generally assumed that "looking younger" is a universal and laudable goal. Now, that goal is even being packaged as an economic investment, especially for women (but men aren't immune). To get a better job, or to keep the one you have, getting bleached, dyed, nipped, tucked, lipo'd, and/or botoxed is presented as a smart career move. Employers want people who are keeping up with the times in a fast-paced, constantly changing environment, we're told, and looking like the grandmother of the hiring manager signals that we no longer have the energy or mental nimbleness to keep up. The generation that declared, "never trust anyone over 30" is now reaping what we've sown.

One of the latest and most unambiguously titled books in this arena is How Not to Look Old: Fast and Effortless Ways to Look 10 Years Younger, 10 Pounds Lighter, 10 Times Better by Charla Krupp. I haven't read the book, but according to the New York Times article Nice Résumé. Have You Considered Botox?,

The book is the latest makeover title to treat the aging of one’s exterior as a disease whose symptoms are to be fought to the death or, at least, mightily camouflaged. But the book offers a serious rationale for such vigilant attempts at age control, arguing that trying to pass for younger is not so much a matter of sexual allure as of job security.

“Looking hip is not just about vanity anymore, it’s critical to every woman’s personal and financial survival,” according to the book jacket.

The NYT writer, Natasha Singer goes on to say:

Many people would shun a book if it were titled “How Not to Look Jewish” or “How Not to Look Gay” because to cater to discrimination is to capitulate to it. But the success of “How Not to Look Old” indicates that popular culture is willing to buy into ageism as an acceptable form of prejudice, even against oneself.

“Ageism is one of the last frontiers of discrimination where people think that a way around it is not to be seen to age, but we would never say that women should try to look or act more male in order to avoid sexism,” said Molly Andrews, a psychologist who is a director of the Center for Narrative Research at the University of East London.

I'm of a mixed mind about this. In my line of work, we really don't care about age so much as experience, and whether the individual seems to have kept up with technology and is willing to continue to learn. Some of the most forward-thinking people I deal with daily are well over 50 and don't go to great pains to hide it. Still, if I were to find myself unemployed tomorrow, I'd probably be scrutinizing my appearance and wanting to present myself as energized and contemporary if not necessarily younger. At this point in my life, I'd probably draw the line at anything medical though.

What about you? Does age impact your career? How far would you go to improve your job prospects?

Les Chaussures Sans Douleur

Une femme has come to accept that she will probably never be a Manolo/Choo/Louboutin kind of girl. It's not that they aren't lovely, but aside from the fact that they don't fit my life, the flesh below the knees is no longer willing.

I used to take comfort in the fact that shoes were reliable. Regardless of how tough it might be to find stylish clothes that fit, I could always rock the shoes. Though I've never been one to jump gleefully into a pair of 4" heels, I rarely balked when it came to putting form ahead of function where footwear is concerned. Then something happened: mes pieds rebelled. Once narrow, they widened with pregnancy and never looked back from those broader horizons. I've always had a high arch and instep but now coupled with the new horizontal expansion, finding shoes that I can even get my foot into--let alone stand up and walk in--has become exponentially more challenging.

Search online for "comfort" shoes and you are assaulted with a plethora of beige lace-ups that scream "Senior bus to Laughlin!" Narrow the search by selecting wide sizing, and the prospects become even more dismal. Comfortable-yet-chic shoes have become a sort of Holy Grail pour moi.

Some recent successes:

These shoes from "1803" were my go-to walking shoes when we visited Paris, and though not the pair of stiletto's that all Parisiennes are reputed to wear (yes, another myth), they were perfect with the dark-wash and black jeans I primarily wore that week. They are exceptionally comfortable and supportive; I put several miles on them each day without a moment of discomfort or tired feet. They don't come in wide, but the regular size was fine.

I was delighted to find out that most Ferragamo shoes are available in wider widths. (Don't be fooled by the "Luncheon at the Garden Club" styles available online; they actually have many more au courrant options in the boutiques.) So when I decided it was time to invest in a good pair of classic pumps, I was able to find a pointy-toed, stiletto heeled iconic pump in a C width there, and yes they are actually comfortable to stand and walk in, though probably not so much on gravel or cobblestones, nor for hours on end. Hint: they don't sell the wide sizes online, but you can call one of the boutiques and order.

Stuart Weitzman also offers a multitude of styles in wide widths, though the comfort factor is hit-and-miss. You can't always tell just from looking at the shoe either, you really have to try them and walk around for a while. I've never gone wrong with their boots, though.


Here are some other styles I've been eyeing. While they may not qualify as "Superfantastic!" they do stand out a bit from the usual comfort/walking shoe fare:

Pikolinos

Not your typical stodgy Mephisto's

More Pikolinos

One more...

After having visited the mall yesterday, and having seen three different women over 40 wearing these, I have to add Newsboy caps to the list of d'un certain age don'ts.

Avoiding the Scarlet "M"

The 1964 book, A Guide to Elegance by Genevieve Antoine Dariaux is an amusing exercise in anachronism, delineating rules for appropriate dress which border on stultifying. It does yield up some gems however, a few of which still hold true. In the section "Age," she says "There is a saying in France, 'Elegance is the privilege of age' - and thank heavens it is perfectly true."

In the days before Fashion seemed to worship exclusively at the altar of Youth, a woman could look forward to achieving an age where more elegant and sophisticated clothing was her due. Now it often feels like we're navigating a narrow space between dowdiness and being branded with an "M" on our not-so-supple cheek should we transgress with attire deemed too youthful.

Reading Linda Grant's article in The Guardian on Monday, I was delighted to see my own style philosophy reflected in her conclusion:

Eternally stylish women find their look and modify it as they grow older; I arrived at the conclusion that to dress well in your 50s and 60s you need to dress more simply, saving the attitude for one item and paring down the rest, so my leather jacket would be worn with jeans and a cashmere sweater, or over a little black dress.

Actually, this has been my style M.O. for several years now, originally born out of frugality and work-appropriateness (in those horrible, oppressive days before it became OK to wear velour track suits to the office /sarcasm o_O ). I learned in my 30's to invest in simple, classic clothing and let accessories (and sometimes jackets) be my "showoff" pieces. This is where I tend to hit my style Sweet Spot and I've rarely gone wrong with this formula.

But I agree with Linda that it's especially true as we move into our 50's and beyond that our favorite leather jacket, or a short skirt, or a Balenciaga motorcycle bag can still work for us, as long as we keep the rest of the ensemble simple. And incorporating current or edgy elements can keep a simple ensemble from looking too stodgy and boring.

But here are some items I assiduously avoid, and think that when worn on most women over 40 tend to look out of sync with our age:

• White eyelet
• Babydoll anything
• An abundance of lace or ruffles
• Jumpers* or rompers
• Any combination of tops and bottoms that allows skin to show in between
• Playboy bunny or mudflap woman jewelry (in fact, these are questionable on women of any age)
• Hello Kitty, Paul Frank or similarly themed clothing
• Pants with verbiage across the ass
  

YMMV, as the kids say.

*"Jumper" in the U.S. is a sleeveless dress designed to be worn over a blouse or sweater. I've recently learned that in British terminology, a jumper is a pullover sweater, with which I have no beef and in fact, own several.

Picture from: www.fashion-era.com/

Tackling the Mutton-Shamers

Linda Grant of The Thoughtful Dresser has a great article up today over at the Guardian. Go read the whole thing. I'll post some more thoughts about this in the next day or two.

Following Our Instincts

"Look at me, they said. And I did."

This quote from Linda Grant's blog, The Thoughtful Dresser (which has become one of my daily reads), really gets down to the bones of what this style thing is all about.

To stand out or to blend in? It's the sartorial equivalent of the Fight or Flight response. That might sound a bit extreme, but being on display has rarely felt safe to me, and fear has informed much of my style. I stood out in ways I never intended, first as a chubby child whose appearance was constantly critiqued by family and then as a young woman without sufficient means to wear anything other than what I could find in my size in our smallish town's thrift stores. The Greek chorus in my head most frequently when browsing through the racks was chanting "you can't wear that" and (sometimes simultaneously) "you can't afford that." So my overarching desire, if not to hide, was to blend in, to wear what the other thinner, wealthier girls were wearing.

There were my defiant times, when I wore neon lime green hi-top sneakers and gold lamé cat-eye sunglasses, and being different was a big fuckyou to those who were never going to accept me anyway. It felt good, but it was still about rebellion, about reacting against the dominant style paradigm, rather than expressing something truly my own.

My "sweet spot" outfit from a couple days ago had an element of hiding about it. It was generic, neutral, nothing about it in particular inviting anyone to look. (But the ankle boots...there is something about boots that feels very cool and powerful that I like, and have always liked about wearing boots.) Dressing this way is following my instincts, but instincts tend to be about preservation, not about expression or fulfillment. I'm not satisfied with just preservation anymore.

To be able to go out into the world saying, "look at me," and not from a standpoint of seeking approval or fearing judgment, that's a mighty powerful stance. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

The Mutton Roundup

If this is mutton, sign me up.

Photo: http://www.exposay.com/

Seems this is a hot topic these past few days.

Linda Grant at The Thoughtful Dresser says Fie! on the "Mutton Monitors" (and dons a lovely leather rocker jacket), and today argues in favor of dressing with attitude. Linda says,

"The point about these three was that they understood that the parade has most certainly not gone by. None of them looked ridiculous, they had elegance and distinction and above all, a strong sense of personal style. You understood at once that their clothes mattered to them, because they understood why clothes matter.

Look at me, they said. And I did."

Materfamilias asks "Who wants to be a lamb anyway?" and makes a case for developing an individual style that incorporates both classical and whimsical elements.

Meg at Faking Good Breeding takes Patricia Fields to task for putting SJP in getups that look like "she fell into the dumpster behind Forever 21" and makes the point that just because one can wear something, doesn't mean one should.

I've been reading "It's So You: 35 Women Write about Personal Expression Through Fashion & Style", edited by Michelle Tea, and Laura Fraser makes a great point about developing an individual style that is never "out" because it was never "in" in the first place. It seems to me that women who continue to look stylish as they age and don't fade into the woodwork are the ones who have figured this out.

Baby Don't Botox

It's really quite simple. Two words: BOtulism TOXin.

When it comes to even more invasive cosmetic "procedures," I've never had more than a fleeting consideration. First, cosmetic surgery is still surgery, with all of the inherent risks. A friend's younger sister died in her sleep from a pulmonary embolism three days after having a fairly minor "body contouring" procedure. She was 35.

I'm at that point where the jowls are starting to sag, and the jawline to soften. My upper eyelids are drifting downward. But even though I'm seeing the passage of time in my face, it's still my face. Aside from the very real medical issues, I'm afraid of having something done that would cause me to not look like myself. Am I the only one who thinks that quite often, people who have this kind of extensive "work" done looked better before?*

In this little corner of the world, you sometimes see some pretty freakish plastic surgery results, like noses that could cut glass, trout pout, cheekbone implants that rival the continental shelf, or skin pulled tighter than a tick's ass stretched over a rain barrel. But even when the end result is fairly "normal" looking, I have a hard time understanding why someone would want to look so different. Even when it comes to less drastic results, I also worry that plastic surgery is becoming another cultural expectation, that it's normalizing and validating ageism. There are very few women over 50 in the media who haven't had some kind of "work" done. We no longer see realistic images of what aging looks like in movies, TV or print media.

And then there's the expense. I could take one or two pretty swanky trips to Paris for the cost of a basic eye lift. The skin will sag again, but une femme would always have Paris.

*I'm not talking about correcting actual deformities like cleft palate.

The Price of Beauty

OK, this NYT article has been making the rounds in the blogosphere, and may I just say, What. The. Fuck. $1000 per week on a beauty regimen???? And I thought I was high maintenance with getting my hair cut and colored every 5 weeks, and a pedicure every 2 or 3 during the summer. While I do think there's a little bit of New York superiority complex informing the article ("oh, those silly, shallow LA women!") it's just scary how someone can live in such a bubble that this is considered "typical." And even pushing aside the expense, who has the time to devote to all of the blowouts and hours in hyperbaric chambers to keep skin "baby soft"???


Naomi Wolf was right.


I've been trying to streamline my skincare routine lately, and eliminate products that are unnecessary. I have my favorites; some are a bit pricey, others not so much. My skin has tended to be on the oily side most of my life, though I notice it's getting less so as I age.


Cleansing: I don't use soap on my face anymore, or purchase expensive cleansers. My #1 top favorite product is St. Ives Apricot Scrub. My skin isn't particularly sensitive, so I use this every couple of days. To remove what little makeup I wear anymore, I like Pond's Clean Sweep Towlettes. Other than that, I just rinse well with warm or cool water.



Sunscreen: During the day, I've started skipping the moisturizer and just using a heavy duty sunscreen instead. My current fave is the one I bought in France, and I've just found a way to order online from Canada (the active ingredient, Meroxyl, is not yet available in the US above an SPF 15). With the skin cancer that runs in my family, I've taken to wearing at least an SPF 50 daily. Neutrogena also makes a nice SPF 70, but I've found that it doesn't soak into the skin as well, and sometimes I'll notice some white streaks a few hours later where I didn't quite rub in enough.



Eyes: I'll cop to using expensive eye creams. I've tried the drugstore brands that everyone recommends, but have mostly found that the texture just isn't the same and doesn't soak in, or worse, the fragrances irritate the skin around my eyes. I don't have a lot of wrinkles, but have started getting the crepe-y, saggy skin above my eyes. The one exception to my preference for expensive products are the Olay Regenerist Dermapods. At first I thought, "what a gimmick!" but started reading some good reviews on beauty product blogs. I've been using these for a week, and they do really seem to work. I've never had much trouble with undereye circles or bags, but they do seem to smooth out the stuff I've got going on on the upper lids. You're only supposed to use them 3x per week, so in between I'm still using the pricey stuff (currently Clarins).



The only time I use a heavy duty moisturizer anymore is at night. I tend to find Lancome Primordiale Nuit works best for me. One jar lasts me several months. I did try the Olay Regenerist Night Recovery Treatment but again find the texture is a little waxy and it doesn't feel like it soaks in.

I don't use a toner anymore, as I've read in enough places that they don't really do anything except dry out the skin. I think I have my routine down to the basics. Mornings it's rinse with water, eye cream, sunscreen. Nights it's makeup removal, scrub (usually 4 or 5 times/week), eye cream and moisturizer. If I'm going to be outdoors and in the sun, I have an SPF 30 eye cream that I'll use instead of the regular.

There's only so much money and time I'm willing to spend on maintenance. I believe that aging isn't a crime against humanity, and will never be one of those women who goes to extraordinary measures to look younger. I don't have the time, and can't justify the expense.